


All the Jillian Holtzmanns

by ClillaryHinton



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-07
Packaged: 2018-08-13 06:24:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7965952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClillaryHinton/pseuds/ClillaryHinton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Holzbert romance, a little plot with the porn, medium pace burn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Looking

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the lovely Holly for betaing, keeping my facts straight (and pretty much everything else gay) and for being my "sister-in-Kate".

Erin didn't know exactly when she had stopped looking at Kevin. But she did, however, know exactly when she started to look at Jillian Holtzmann.

They had been getting closer since saving New York. A lot closer. Erin found herself gravitating toward her, moving her work physically closer to Jillian’s when she was working alone, despite the obvious risk of being blown up. Erin tried to turn Holtzmann’s practise into theory, calculating, frowning over the equations she wrote down rapidly, row after row. Maybe Holtzmann assumed she did it because she was sceptical of her weird experiments with materials no one would have thought to use for that purpose, but strangely usually worked anyway. But she wasn’t trying to debunk her, just understand. She didn’t, not really. There’s a madness to Holtzmann’s method that she can’t quite grasp mathematically. It’s unsettling and exciting at the same time. And beautiful. Whatever Holtzmann is doing, it’s beautiful chaos. The equations play around the board, chasing each other in an easy flow. Trying to express Holtzmann mathematically still looks like Holtzmann. It delights her.

  
They’re close in other ways too. When Holtzmann wants to show her something weird and wonderful, she brushes her elbow, or arm. Sometimes she put a hand on her hip. Erin thought about it, but told herself that they were all very close. She and Abby had always hugged a lot.  
Abby told her that Holtzmann had probably talked more since Erin joined them than she had during their entire partnership and friendship before.

Then there was the day they chased a class two apparition, nothing too dramatic compared to saving New York city. But there was ectoplasm. It was a slimy, slimy little ghost. As usual, it seemed to be aimed at Erin, personally. But Holtzmann came, guns blazing, and took some of the brunt. She had seemed almost slime resistant up to that point. Erin’s paranoia was not diminished by the fact that the ghost seemed to lose interest in spewing slime as soon as Holtzmann became the target instead of Erin.

“Thanks.”

Erin smiled at her, thinking how unfair it was that she kind of looked cool in green slime. Jillian made a big show of blowing on the barrel of her gun, like it fired something to do with gunpowder and not protons. Erin touched a strand of gooey blond hair.

“Your hair looks green now.”

“You’re right, orange is way more stylish.”

“Ha ha.”

Her orange days were over, but Holtzmann had been strangely fond of that colour. She touched her cheek to brush some of the ectoplasm off when she heard Patty’s voice.

“If y’all are all done, there’s a ghost here. But don’t want to interrupt if y’all are having a MOMENT.”

Erin snapped out of it.

“Sorry, we’re on it.”

When they got back to the fire station, for once, Erin wasn’t the only one who needed to get herself cleaned up. Patty said something as she headed to the bathroom, but she didn’t quite process the information until it was too late. The broken lock Patty talked about was apparently the bathroom door, since she opened it and found it already occupied.  
It took her a moment to realise that the person in there was Holtzmann. She’d never even seen her with her hair completely down before. It was falling in soft curls down her back, longer than Erin had assumed from the way she wore it.

"You were right. Every crack."

Holtzmann was standing there naked. Totally, gloriously naked. Her skin was so white, it looked luminous in the soft lighting. Rosy in some places, presumably from vigorous scrubbing to get the slime out. That stuff had seriously adhesive properties. There was the hint of the soft curve of a breast as Holtzmann looked over her shoulder with her eyebrows raised. Erin couldn't stop staring and she had no idea why.

"You could hand me a towel? Or you know… Not."

She shouldn't have been surprised that Jillian Holtzmann was unencumbered by nakedness. After all, she was unencumbered by most other things. She handed her a towel and tried to look anywhere but at the exposed skin and soft curves. She tried to pretend she wasn’t freaking out, but suspected that she failed miserably, as she backed out of there with an apology. When Holtz had left and it was Erin’s turn to scrub, she tried to think about anything but a naked Holtzmann. But it seems like she’d memorised every inch. She tried to tell herself it was an embarrassing moment, but in fact, it wasn’t. Holtzmann seemed completely comfortable in her own skin: Erin envied her. And she was beautiful. Erin closed her eyes. She shouldn’t have been surprised: she had found herself staring at her face often enough to realise that her eyes were extra sensitive to Jillian Holtzmann.

She came out to join the celebrations. Erin found herself inhaling the scent of clean clothes and clean Holtzmann as she walked by in one of her dandyish outfits. She winks at Erin, but not in a “you’ve just seen me naked”- kind of way. Just in the regular Holtzmann way. Then there was dancing, as always. Holtzmann behaved like a monkey on crack when she danced, but underneath all that, she could MOVE. Erin… Well, Erin probably couldn’t. And still, here she was again, dancing, like Holtzmann always somehow got her to do.

"Really? Those are your dance moves?"

Holtzmann came closer and Erin lost focus and stumbled a little, because she had the most amazing smile, all starry eyes and dimples. And she wasn’t really making fun of her either, Erin realised when she saw the warmth in the broad grin on her face. Erin looked down on her gyrating hips and the strip of skin between the crop t-shirt and her pinstripe pants. Holtzmann naked flashed in her mind and she kept looking. The soft dip above her hip was her favorite part. Or was it? She looked down on Holtzmann's full lips. She didn't even know she had favorite parts of Jillian Holtzmann, but apparently she did. Holtzmann danced closer and Erin moved toward her like she couldn't help herself. Her hips brushed Erin's and she turned around so her back brushed one of her breasts. She noticed with increasing surprise how her skin heated up and tingled where they touched.

  
Patty and Abby came bounding up the stairs and joined in and they all hugged and Erin was somewhere between relieved and disappointed that Holtzmann wasn't dancing close to her anymore.

Later that night, she went to bed and thought about how she could still feel the exact place where Holtzmann brushed against her earlier. Her skin was warmer there. Kind of like her life felt warmer when she was with the ghostbusters. What was she supposed to do with this deeply confusing information?

***

Yawning, Erin was shuffling toward the bathroom.

"Mornin', beautiful."

Holtzmann is wearing a fedora for some inconceivable reason, talking in one of her funny voices, vaguely Bogart. But strangely, it still made Erin feel beautiful. She didn’t always follow what Holtzmann was saying when she didn't talk about science. But she knew how she made her feel.

"Jillian Holtzmann, Vogue. Tell me about your red carpet look?"

Erin doesn't normally do conversations of any kind before coffee. But Holtzmann's good mood is contagious.

"Well, this fall I'll be mostly wearing…

"...the world's tiniest bowtie?"

"I was going to say flannel pyjama bottoms and bunny slippers, but go ahead, have your fun."

"Going for the best dressed list, good for you. Sex hair and rumpled flannel is a good look for you, by the way."

"I do not have 'sex hair'."

Holtzmann raises her eyebrows in a manner suggesting she begs to differ and went back to welding with a grin on her face.

"You'd have to have sex for that..." Erin grumbled to herself as she walked to the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror. Holtzmann kind of had a point. She smiled as she walked into the shower.

***

Holtzmann tested a new weapon on her behind the fire station that afternoon. There was a lot of gear, a lot of strapping in going on. Erin might have gotten impatient if it hadn't felt quite nice when Holtzmann held her hips or ran her fingers down her neck to check and double check things. There were jokes about imminent death of course, Erin could have done without those. But she forgot all about that when she saw what it did and felt the immense power. She was throwing fireballs from the palm of her hand. Not actually from her palm, but that's what it would look like to an audience. She got totally carried away, spending half an hour blowing things up like a vengeful god, Holtzmann whooping encouragingly in the background.  
High on adrenaline, she jumped Holtzmann and hugged her and they jumped up and down and Holtzmann kissed her cheek and Erin returned it, only Holtzmann turned her head slightly, so that it was almost full on the lips. Erin froze, but Holtzmann danced away and yelled at Abby and Patty to come see the cool new weapon and left Erin a conflicted fake god in the alley.  
When Patty and Abby came out, Patty said "another cool weapon for Erin" or something like that, except she put the emphasis on _Erin_ , not on “weapon”. She and Abby looked at each other like they were about to start laughing, so Patty obviously wasn't jealous. But there was some joke here that Erin wasn't in on. Erin hated being out of the loop, especially with Abby. Abby was _her_ loop, she was supposed to be in it. But then she showed the weapon and the others had a fit at how cool it was and then they were all hugging and jumping around like crazy people and she felt in the loop again and everything was fine. She didn't quite let go of Holtzmann after the hug and walked back into the lab with her arm around her shoulders. You could do that after someone invented a gadget that made you look like a god, right?

***

They all got invited to a formal reception held at a now formerly haunted mansion they had rid of some unsettled previous owners. Erin was really excited about it. She loved being a jumpsuit wearing ghostbuster, but she couldn’t wait to find an excuse to get dressed up and go out, it had been ages. It was short notice, so Patty had a family wedding to go to and Abby claimed she couldn’t possibly leave her current experiment unattended that weekend. She was surprised when Holtzmann swivelled around on her stool and pulled her goggles off.

“I’ll go.”

“Really?”

“Sure.”

Holtzmann shrugged. Erin had assumed that she might be bored by something as stiff as a black tie reception. Erin remembered that Holtzmann had thought their host was a pompous ass and had almost said so, before Abby elbowed her and whispered that billing a rich man would keep her in proton grenades for life.

***

It had puzzled Erin when Holtzmann said she’d meet her there, she’d assumed they’d go together. As she walked down the lavish stairs to the ballroom, she realised that she had no clue what Holtzmann was going to wear: maybe some sort of Willy Wonka take on a tuxedo, some begoggled steampunky distant relative of formal wear. But with Holtzmann, you truly never knew. She imagined her in a traditional dinner jacket, with her shirt slightly unbuttoned and bowtie hanging loose. Probably too conventional for Holtzmann, but the image made her heart race in a disconcerting way.  
She glanced at the open bar and saw a blond woman talking to the bartender. Maybe she should have a drink while waiting. Again, it took a few moments to realise that the gorgeous woman in the stylish red cocktail dress was Jillian Holtzmann. It wasn't until she did an ironic salute at her over the rim of a glass containing a toxic looking spirit and Erin recognised her signature shade of lipstick that she truly knew it was her. Erin picked her jaw up off the floor and headed over.

"Hey, gorgeous. Come here often?"

She suddenly felt dowdy in comparison. But it didn't last. Not with the way Holtzmann was looking at her. She seemed engrossed, like Erin Gilbert in a simple black dress was the most fascinating thing she had ever seen. She grinned and touched one of the tiny rhinestone ghost earrings that Erin wore as a personal middle finger to everyone who had ever tried to discredit her. A surprisingly subtle and unsurprisingly thoughtful gift from Patty.

"Extra credit, well played."

Holtzmann saw everything about her, she always had. It took a while for Erin to figure out that Holtzmann's fascination with her and "the world's tiniest bowtie" was benevolent. Now she felt seen rather than observed. It was nice.  
The tips of Holtzmann's fingers brushed her neck on the way down from her earlobe and the room shrunk to that one sensation. She was always touching her. Little tiny brushes, squeezes or shoulder pats. It was addictive. Sometimes Erin went looking for her, hoping that it would happen. She looked down, her eyes falling involuntarily into the contrast between pearly white skin and the bright red of Holtzmann's cleavage.

"You look beautiful, Jillian."

The name switch happened subconsciously. This woman was like a whole new person. Erin smiled when she saw Holtzmann's feet. Scarlet wingtip cowboy boots with rusted tin stars on the bootleg. Still Holtzmann, then.

"A girl has to draw the line somewhere." Jillian drawled and winked at her.

Erin wished she would stop doing that, it made her face hot and her mouth dry.

"True."

Although Erin wasn't sure that she knew where hers was anymore. Or if she even had a line. She had lost her job and her old life to go be a Ghostbuster. And here she was looking at the full, inviting lips of her female colleague, wondering what it would be like to kiss her. She tried to make her brain avoid thinking about the fact that she knew exactly what was under that dress.  
As they walked over to the others, Jillian was so close that their shoulders were touching. A rich, spicy, old style scent filled Erin’s nose. Underneath was something softer, maybe simply the scent of Jillian. She took a deep breath. There should have been a clash between this hint of traditional, confident masculinity and the woman standing in front of her in a dress and her long blond hair down, but there wasn’t.

  
They dutifully mingled with the other guests. Holtzmann didn’t say much, polite small talk wasn’t her thing. She got right to the point or to the explosion, whatever came first. Erin had unfortunately suffered through a lot of faculty mixers where she was expected to talk to boring people about boring things. Holtzmann brought her another drink, but instead of her usual wine, it was a glass of the toxic green stuff Erin had seen her drink earlier.

“They’ve named this after you.”

“What?”

Erin looked at the green stuff and didn’t see the connection.

“The bartender calls it ectoplasm. It’s obviously an homage to you.”

“Oh, really funny, Jillian.”

It was good. Sweet, but not ridiculously so. Fruity. Erin sensed that it would be so easy to get drunk on this stuff without realising it. As she sipped it, it occurred to her that no one in here had been even half as interesting or funny as Holtz. Small talk about nothing was exhausting, how did she keep it up for all those years, clamouring for tenure? She was so lucky to have found the Ghostbusters. She almost teared up when she thought about it. Her people. She had people now, who got her. She looked at Holtzmann, who had just answered a question with something that made the man flinch and walk away. She amused herself for a while with pulling faces over the shoulder of whomever Erin was talking to, making her struggle not to laugh and probably seem a little insane to her conversation partner.

“Come outside with me? I have a surprise.”

Erin didn’t object, even though it was probably rude to leave the others. Jillian took her hand. It felt perfect in Erin’s, just the right size. There was a small, rough scar on her thumb, Erin had noticed it before when they touched. She was just about to ask about it when Holtzmann pointed to the sky and Erin lost the ability to speak. A meteor fell right in front of her. They stood still and waited. Another one. And another. Erin was gobsmacked. She hadn’t seen a meteor shower in ages. And the sky was clear and bright midnight blue: the perfect backdrop.

“Did you know this was going happen? And that it would be clear enough to see?”

Holtzmann nodded. Erin wasn’t surprised, of course Holtzmann was into astronomy. Holtzmann was interested in all kinds of possible and impossible worlds. It also meant that she had thought about showing it to Erin. She squeezed her hand.

“It’s beautiful.”

As they stood there under the stars, Erin glanced at her.

"Jillian… You didn't dress differently because you think I don't like you the way you normally look… right?"

"Nah, I just wanted to see your face."

She grinned at her. Erin shoved her lightly, but she was relieved. She’d hate to be the cause of Holtzmann being anything but 100% Holtzmann. Because that was truly the only acceptable number.

” Ah! Ladies! I hope you’re having a lovely time! Now tell me about your latest…”

Their host was a self-obsessed, talkative man. Erin felt disproportionately disappointed that he had interrupted the star gazing. She talked to him, trying to seem interested. Fortunately, it didn’t take more than a few words here and there to keep him happy. She was distracted by Jillian, who had picked up a cocktail napkin and started to shred it with singular purpose. At first, Erin thought she just wanted to occupy her restless hands. But then she felt something soft being placed in her palm. Instinctively, she closed her hand around it.  
When their host finally finished, he left her on the terrace with an elaborately twisted and folded white paper rose in her palm. She put it in her clutch carefully. She loved what Holtzmann could do with her talented hands.  
Holtzmann returned, with champagne this time, no more green stuff. Erin thanked her for the rose and got an ironic little bow in response. Although, she wasn’t so sure it was ironic. She was starting to consider if Holtzmann was being serious more often than she had previously assumed.  
Erin wanted to take her hand again. But she had no excuse, so she stood really close to her instead, waiting for the last few streams of cosmic debris to light up the sky.

"They look so close from here. Like they could fall down and touch you. Which would  
be bad, obviously. 'Cause you know, super heavy."

Erin felt like a dork right after she said it. Here they were, drinking champagne and stargazing and she was blabbing about being killed by space debris.

"Not to mention bright and hot. My favorite combo."

Holtzmann wiggled her eyebrows at her. Erin laughed. Why was it that she could pull off the most ridiculous lines? 

The dancing had started and they could hear the music all the way out on the terrace. Holtzmann put her glass down, bowed in an exaggerated manner and offered her hand.

"You wanna… dance?"

"What clued you in? The music and the invitation?"

Erin hesitated. Shouldn't they leave their private bubble and return to the ballroom and be polite to their boring client?

A shadow passed over Holtzmann's face.

"Don't worry, we're alone out here."

Erin's heart broke a little. She knew she was too preoccupied with other people's opinions of her. She must seem hopelessly conventional to Holtzmann. But for her to think that she might be ashamed to be seen dancing with her?

"I'd be honored."

She answered Holtzmann's bow with an exaggerated curtsy. They danced at a safe distance, this-is-my-dance-space-that’s-yours. As long as the upbeat song went on, everything was fine. Simple. Then it got complicated. The song changed to something slow and charged, one of Erin's favorites. She looked into Holtzmann's beautiful blue cat eyes and instinctively took a step closer. Holtzmann invaded her personal space. Her hand on her waist was soft and demanding all at once. The space between them diminished gradually, until Erin’s cheek brushed Holtzmann’s hairline. Holtzmann’s hand on Erin’s hip graduated to her lower back. Erin was much taller in her heels, but it didn't feel like it when Holtz was leading.  
Erin felt almost afraid of her own reaction. It wasn't just her disconcerting physical response to having Holtzmann close. It was a terrifying feeling of tenderness, like she couldn't bear for anything bad to happen to the woman in her arms. Like the thought of not holding her again was unacceptable. Holtzmann had saved her life and built her weapons that made her nearly invincible. Feeling protective was ridiculous. Right?  
It wasn't supposed to play out like this: she was supposed to be ogling Kevin and her and Holtzmann’s relationship was supposed to be mutual admiration, bad physics jokes and late night takeaways eaten in companionable silence. Possibly with the odd moment of platonic appreciation of Holtzmann’s very obvious physical beauty. Above all, it was supposed to be a friendship. She didn’t recognise herself.

"Can't believe I'm spending a Saturday night without being covered in ectoplasm."

Here she was a few hours after lamenting having to make small talk, doing just that to dispel the tension. Erin rolled her eyes at herself.

“The ghosts need to respect that we have a social engagement,” Holtzmann agreed.

Two seconds later, both their phones flashed with the brief text message "GB".

"You know that was your fault, don't you?"

Erin looked at Jillian with raised eyebrows.

"Totally on me, mea culpa."

Again: the strange mixture of relief and disappointment when they broke apart. She went to make their excuses to their host with a strange sinking feeling in her stomach, like she had missed an opportunity or lost a moment that would never come back.

***

The other ghostbusters came roaring up to the driveway in the new Ecto10 fifteen minutes later, bringing gear and jumpsuits.

"Unzip me."

Erin does and Holtzmann pulls the dress down and shimmies out of it like it's nothing. And speaking of nothing: that's exactly what Holtzmann's been wearing under that tight fitting dress. Erin's eyes are relentlessly drawn to her naked skin again. Patty is shaking her head.

"Aww, Holtzy! Get into your gear before we get arrested for indecent exposure!"

"I was born this way, baby."

Holtzmann winks at Patty and grins, but Patty will have none of it. Erin tries really hard not to think about how she doesn't want Holtzmann to get into her gear at all, because she's beautiful naked. Holtzmann zips her suit up and all Erin can think about is that she's naked underneath it. She keeps hair pins in its pocket and a few quick movements later, the sea of golden curls is back up and Holtzmann is Holtzmann again. But Erin discovered it made no difference. The problem wasn't that Holtzmann cleaned up nicely or that they had had a great evening. It's that she’s beautiful to Erin no matter what. She didn’t quite know what to do with that information either.

The mission went great. Erin snapped out of it long enough to do her part, even if she couldn’t stop glancing sideways at Holtzmann, who was predictably working her arsenal of cool weapons like that was what she was born to do. Erin was a bit sorry her “vengeful god”-gear wasn’t ready for use in battle, but to be fair, Holtzmann had already made her a weapon that made ghosts disintegrate and scream in terror. They felt like little gods anyway, like they did after every successful mission.

***

Erin was a scientist. A hypothesis was just that, until it was tested and thoroughly reviewed. She stood there, looking at Kevin doing Kevin things: bringing Abby the wrong kind of coffee, staring at the fish tank in confusion. There was just no way around it: she had to be sure.

“Kevin?”

“Yup?”

The beautiful man smiled vacantly at her. She looked at his perfect proportions and symmetrical face. He really was ridiculously handsome.

“I need to test a hypothesis. It’s a little… above and beyond the course of duty, so to speak.”

She heard the stupid little giggle at the end of the sentence and hated herself.

“It would include lips. Your lips. And mine. It’s a lip thing.”

“Mmhmm?”

“Basically, I’d need to… Kiss you, I guess.”

“Oh.”

“Would you be OK with that?”

“Sure. All for science.”

“So… I’m going to kiss you now. If that’s quite alright with you.”

Still the same vacant smile. Erin almost felt she should ask him again, make sure he knew what he was consenting to. He didn’t stand or move from behind the desk. She tried to shake the feeling that she was using him as she leaned over the desk awkwardly.

It was nice. He didn't exactly kiss her back, he just sat perfectly still. Kevin had soft lips. Warm. So it was nice. But she didn't FEEL anything. She didn't break into a sweat or feel a need to make awful jokes or even particularly want to do it again. She did anyway: you couldn't draw any scientific conclusion with an N of 1. It was still nice. Kevin was a beautiful man. Maybe she was just over him? She smiled at him, maybe for the first time with genuine warmth.

“Thanks. That was very helpful.”

“Sure thing.”

Like nothing had happened, Kevin went back to his previous occupation of misunderstanding the new phone they’d gotten after he accidentally spit coffee into the other one.

Erin found herself wondering where Jillian was: she had an overwhelming urge to talk to her. She found Abby, but no Holtzmann. Abby said she had left suddenly, without saying where she was going.

***

A few hours later, she was back and Erin eagerly went to meet her. She thought she smelled alcohol on her breath as she walked past, head down. She didn’t so much as look at her when she stomped up the stairs to her lab. Tentatively, she followed. Holtzmann was already hidden behind protective gear and blowtorch fired up.

"Holtz…?"

"Busy."

That's all she got. One word. "Busy". She didn't take her goggles off, or smile at her like she used to. No winking. Nothing. She just kept welding whatever the huge chunk of metal in front of her was. Suddenly, asking if Holtzmann wanted to go sit on the roof with her seemed as likely as the mayor admitting publicly that there were ghosts.

***

Later that night, she went back to see what she was doing. But Holtzmann was nowhere to be found. Her leather gloves laid abandoned on her work top. Erin picked them up. They were so smooth. The right one was worn silky soft in the centre, maybe from holding all the tools she played around with. She put them to her nose and smelled them, she wasn't sure why. Leather, duh. Grease, some sort of dark, metallic smoke. Something a bit chemical. But also a hint of the spicy scent that had clashed so wonderfully with Jillian's red dress, but at the same time not at all with her personality. She inhaled again. Her heart raced. There as a subtle throbbing in her belly, a restlessness in her body that she either couldn't or didn't want to explain. She felt a strange urge to bring them with her to her room, to hold on to this unsettling sensory overload that Holtzmann had unwittingly caused. But she would notice they were gone, she wore them all the time. Reluctantly she put them back.

Later, in her room, she brought her fingers to her nose and realised that there was still the faintest hint of Holtzmann's cologne left. As she touched herself for relief, she pressed her nose against her hand and tried to will Holtzmann's face and her naked body under the dim lights of the fire station bathroom out of her mind. She failed spectacularly as she came.

Holtzmann didn’t come in the next day. Abby mentioned that she had sent a text to say that she wouldn’t and Erin felt disproportionately upset. Not coming in, was that even an option? Holtzmann was always there. She had to think hard to find an occasion where she and Holtzmann had been apart for more than a few hours of waking time in the months since they saved New York together. Patty shrugged and said she’d probably come in later, Holtzy wouldn’t stay away from her lab for long. Erin could see on Abby’s face that she wasn’t the only one who was worried, though.

That night, she paced the fire station. She had no right wondering where Holtzmann was or what she was doing. Holtzmann was under no obligation to tell her anything. And yet: it ate at her. Where, why and with whom? Was Holtzmann going through a hard time? Was she with a girl? She found she hated that last thought. But more importantly: why wasn't she with her? To say that she missed Holtzmann wasn't enough. It felt more like missing herself.  
Patty came and asked if she was coming down for dinner. She shook her head and refused, even though she reminded her that low blood sugar was serious. But Erin wasn't hungry, in a fundamental way. Like she literally, physically couldn't eat. Patty hugged her and didn't insist. Erin had no clue what was going on, but it seemed like Patty did.

***

She woke up a few hours later and heard Holtzmann moving metal. She put her robe on and almost ran to the lab to see her.

“Wow… That’s beautiful.”

The hunk of twisted metal writhed and danced in front of her. She'd had no idea there were so many subtle colors hidden in the gunmetal gray shimmering under the bright floodlights.

Holtzmann removed her protective gear and turned the blowtorch off. She didn’t look at Erin.

“It’s scrap metal.”

“But… It’s beautiful?”

“It doesn’t DO anything. Useless.”

Holtzmann’s voice was all biting sarcasm. This voice wouldn’t call Erin beautiful and she hated it. She walked past her and threw her leather half gloves on the work top. There was no swagger in her walk and her hands were pushed deep into her pockets. Erin’s heart ached.

She waited until she was gone and then lugged the twisted metal shape into her room. She totally intended to keep it. It was the most beautiful, strange thing. She hadn't even known metal could bend that way. She ran her fingers across its smooth surface and the ragged ends. Before meeting Holtzmann, she hadn't known she could bend that way either.


	2. Seeing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and thanks for the kudos, guys!

The next morning, Abby came into her room with fresh coffee and sat down next to her on her bed. She could read Abby better than almost anyone, so she didn’t have to ask to know that something was up.

"Erin… You can't break her heart. It would be a disaster for the team."

"What?"

"Holtzmann. I'm not saying you can't have a little fun with her flirting, I'm just saying that you're maybe leading her on a little here? I love you, but Holtzmann is my friend too and I can't stand to see her heartbroken if it's gotten out of hand."

Erin frowned and straightened her shoulders.

"What about my heart?"

"What do you mean?"

Erin didn't answer, but she saw the realisation on Abby's face.

"Oh my God. You like her, don't you?"

Erin nodded slowly. It felt good to admit it to herself as well as Abby. She let a long, shaky breath out that she hadn't known she’d been holding.

"So you might be...?"

"Honestly? I don't know. Maybe I'm… gay for _her_? I’m... confused, I guess."

“And Kevin?”

“Kevin is… Kevin is Kevin. Kevin isn’t Holtzmann.”

“Wow. Sounds like you’ve got it bad, Shakespeare.”

Abby got up and walked out.

"Where are you going?"

"To find Holtzmann and yell at her not to break your heart."

Erin knew she wouldn’t really. If anyone knew they had to work it out on their own, it was Abby. But she still felt warm inside at the thought of having her in her corner.

***

Erin walked through the quiet fire station. She was nervous. She had never seen Holtzmann like this. Swaggerless. Sans bravado. It had gone on for days, with nothing but single syllables coming out of her. And no dancing. That was the scariest part of all. Erin had to make whatever had wrong between them right, she couldn't stand it. For the team, she had to fix it. But mostly for herself. She missed her.

"Jillian? Can we talk?"

Holtzmann stopped her motions and abruptly dropped her tools on the workbench. Some bits of composite material quietly caught fire. She used her left hand to grab a fire extinguisher and put it out. Her right tapped a restless rhythm on the worktop. She pushed her safety goggles into her mop of blond hair and sighed.

"Sure. We can talk about you kissing Kevin. And how I'm an idiot."

She ended on a sharp, ironic "t". But Erin cringed at the pain in her voice. She hadn't realised she'd had an audience for that performance.

"GUYS!! CLASS 4, LET'S GO!"

Abby's voice boomed through the station's excellent acoustics and Erin cursed under her breath. She couldn't bear to go into battle with things like this between them. But the engineer was already gathering their gear and didn't look at her as she slid down the pole.

***

At the scene, Holtzmann swiftly strapped her into her “vengeful god”-gear. There were no passing touches, no smiling and no threats of imminent death. It killed Erin to have her so close, but with no closeness.

“I had a hypothesis that needed testing. It was a test.”

Holtzmann glanced at her, but didn’t say anything.

Abby motioned for them to move and Erin knew she had to focus. As it turned out, it wasn’t just one class four, but several. But she was a god. When she shot the first roaring fireball, she stared slack jawed at how it disintegrated the ghost without as much as singe the wall behind it.

“You’re a genius. You know that, right?”

“Guilty as charged.”

It was one of the longest sentences Holtzmann had spoken in days and Erin couldn’t help feeling that that was a bigger victory that vanquishing a ghost to Michigan, hell or wherever it went.

Erin was in love with her new weapon and the engineer in Holtzmann couldn’t resist watching her new baby in action. Gradually, she got some of her swagger back, grinning and cheering as Erin took ghost after ghost down with her new "fake god"-equipment. When one ducked one of her fireballs and headed straight for Erin with a look in its glowing green eyes that she recognized all too well, she resignedly closed her eyes and waited for the inevitable shower of slime. But nothing happened. She heard Abby and Patty laughing and Holtzmann’s voice sounded strangely muffled. When she looked, she realized that she had taken the bullet for her. The big, green, slimy bullet. She felt herself tear up, stupidly. She distracted herself by using the culprit as target practise, until it went down in a blaze of smoke and slime.

***

Back at the fire station, she smiled when she heard music. She followed Holtzmann to the third floor. This version of Jillian Holtzmann, she recognised. Sweaty, dirty and slightly maniacal, dancing around to celebrate their latest victory, she was the most beautiful thing. This was the gorgeous woman she had slow danced with a few days ago. This was the woman who had made a cooler weapon for Erin than for herself and stepped in front of a shower of ectoplasm to spare her another attack. This was the woman who had laughed so hard at some stupid youtube video Abby had shown her that she had actually fallen off her stool and brought Abby down with her, howling with laughter. She liked fart jokes and might never sit on a chair properly, even once. And Erin loved her.

"Jillian?"

"Erin?"

"I kissed Kevin."

Holtzmann abruptly stopped dancing.

"I know."

"I had a hypothesis I needed to test."

"Were the results conclusive?"

"Yes."

Patty and Abby came stomping up the stairs to join the celebration.

"Wow, Holtzmann. You got Erined."

Abby looked at the green goo on the chest of Holtzmann's jumpsuit.

"Guess I should go wash it off."

"Oh, you've had way worse, girl."

Among other things, Patty was talking about that time Holtzmann had exploded a whole can of motor oil over herself.

Holtzmann walked towards the showers and Erin jumped to her feet.

"She might need some tips on how to get that off. That stuff goes everywhere."

Patty looked at Abby.

"OK, what just happened? Did that sound like…?"

“Oh, God. Yes. Yes it did. Let’s stay clear of the bathroom."

Patty looked back at her, wide eyed with a mixture of horror and glee on her face.

***

The lock on the bathroom door was still broken. Erin only had to push hard to open it.

Holtzmann was just stepping out of her jumpsuit.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this.”

“We really need to talk.”

"I'm covered in green slime."

"Jillian…"

“Fine. ”

Erin sat outside of the bathroom like an idiot, waiting with sweaty palms. In her head, she was practising a long speech on how she hated being strangers and how Jillian had became an important part of her life and… “And I love you.” She was still working on how to get to the last part without flop sweat, silly jokes or a general meltdown.

It seemed like an eternity before Jillian came out. She still didn’t look at her. Erin stood up and wiped her palms self-consciously on her jeans.

“Do you want to hear about my results?”

“On kissing Kevin?”

“Yes.”

“I’d rather electrocute myself again.”

“But I…”

“I just can’t do this, OK?”

Erin's face fell.

"So you're saying that you don't…"

"ErinIthinkIloveyou."

The words tumbled out so fast in their hurried staccato that she struggled with decoding them in her head.

"Sorry. What?"

"IsaidErinIthinkIloveyou."

"You _think_ you love me...?"

Like an idiot, she stood there gaping, fixating on one word in a mind blowing, world changing sentence. The wrong word, at that.

Holtzmann nodded stiffly.

The silence stretched for a few eternal seconds, before Erin’s brain started working again and she grabbed the worn silk of Holtzmann’s outrageous dragon embroidered robe and kissed her like she needed it for oxygen. The kiss was just as weird and wonderful as Holtzmann herself. Erin had all the answers now.

“Your room.” she whispered in her ear, like time was precious and she had to convince Holtzmann urgently not to run away from her again.

She loved Holtzmann's room, filled with all sorts of wonderful gadgets, bright orange "nuclear waste" warning sign sheets and prints of Niels Bohr and Ada Lovelace. Besides, it was closer. She didn't want to stop kissing her long enough to walk the distance to her own.  

Kissing Jillian made Erin wonder if she had ever truly been in love before. Nobody else had had this effect on her. Racing heart, trembling hands and her body aching to be touched, it felt like the most beautiful breakdown. She didn’t feel like herself at all. And she loved it.

She broke the kiss to whisper that she's never done this before, not with a woman except that time in college that was super awkward and they got caught by her roommate and…

Holtz smiled and let her rush halfway through the story before Erin shook her head and said never mind because it wasn't going to be like that with her, she just knew it.

Holtzmann said she was honoured. For a brief moment, Erin was afraid it was said with benevolent sarcasm, but she knew it wasn't when she looked into her eyes.

It seemed to Erin like they kissed for hours. Her last boyfriend was always in a hurry, she had almost forgotten how furiously arousing it was to be kissed by someone who did it with dedication.  She'd never been with anybody that fair and was mortified when she realised she'd left a hickey on the white skin. She apologised, but Holtzmann grinned and called it a love letter.

Erin put her hand on Holtzmann’s breast, but pulled it back again almost immediately, not sure if she was going too fast. Holtzmann put it back, slowly and deliberately. Erin loved the feeling of her nipple contracting and hardening against her palm. Holtzmann ran her fingers along the inside of her thigh, almost absentmindedly. She did it again and again, until there was a steady throbbing in Erin's lower belly, a hot tension screaming for relief.  

When Holtzmann kissed her way down Erin's body and pressed her lips against her wetness, she realised that this had never been done to her well before. She'd had no idea. She lost every shred of dignity as she moved and arched against Holtzmann's lips and tongue, her hand on her neck contracting involuntarily as she came, leaving wisps of blond in her palm as she unclenched her fist.

Holtzmann grinned like the cat who ate the canary when she used one of her silk scarves to wipe some of the copious moisture off her chin. Erin felt self-conscious about how wet she must have been for that to happen. But Holtzmann whispered in her ear how she loved doing it and couldn’t wait to do it again. Erin nodded quickly against her neck when she asked if she wanted to come again. And Holtzmann moved her fingers through the slick heat, pulling her almost onto her lap, holding her tight. Erin left droplets of sweat on Holtzmann's chest, her skin flushing red from arousal. She apologised, but Holtzmann called it hot. She stopped being self-conscious after that. She shouldn't have been surprised that Jillian was so tender with her: she had been all along. It had just been expressed through grenade launchers before.  

She got a little performance anxiety when it was her turn. Holtzmann did most of the work herself, putting her experienced hand over Erin's as she touched her. She firmly but gently showed her how to move to make her come. That didn't stop Erin from feeling like the queen of the world when it happened, like when she got Abby out of the vortex. She was so excited that she had to try again on her own, with fantastic results. Holtzmann was such a responsive lover. Maybe she was good at sleeping with women. Or maybe she was just really good at sleeping with Jillian Holtzmann. It made her all worked up again and when Jillian felt the restlessness in her body, she went back down. Just when Erin was going to say that she couldn’t come again so soon, she jerked her hips involuntarily when Holtzmann's lips made contact and made her insides feel like liquid. It turned out she could come again, like a screaming banshee, so hard that her stomach ached from the contractions afterward.

Erin liked being clean and she usually showered after sex. All the ectoplasm in the world couldn’t have made her do it now. She wanted to smell the scent of sex and her and Jillian together on her skin for as long as she could. Her body felt ridiculously heavy. Lovely chemicals were coursing through her bloodstream, making her soft and pliable. She hadn’t known that this level of satiety was possible.

Holtzmann told her she was beautiful and Erin touched the ridiculous dimples that made her weak in the knees and the perfect lines of her eyebrows and said she was beautiful too, which made her a little embarrassed. Erin hadn’t known that could even happen, but apparently she was better at giving compliments than receiving them. She tugged on a strand of hair that was significantly shorter than the rest and correctly assumed that it had been burned off. Holtzmann said she was a leg woman and made her shiver when she ran the pads of her fingers from the arch of Erin’s foot all the way to her hips. Erin had never felt this desired or desirable, it was intoxicating.

She told Holtzmann she loved her eyes and her cheekbones or maybe that soft little dip just above her hip best. Or lips. Maybe lips. She cupped a white breast and said it was the perfect size for her hand. Jillian closed her eyes and let the tips of Erin's fingers draw a map on her body. Erin had never seen her that still before.

She considered pointing out that she should technically be the outer spoon, since she was taller, but she loved the pressure of Jillian against her back and her possessive arm flung around her waist as they drifted to sleep. They didn’t follow the rules in any other context, so why should they in this one?

She almost stepped on Holtzmann's yellow protective goggles as she got out of bed to go to the bathroom during the night. They must have fallen out of her pocket. Carefully, she put them on the bedside table, thinking how she wanted to see them next to her bed every morning.

When she returned, Holtzmann showed faint signs of life.

“Wanna… exchange some more fermions?”

Her voice was so sleepy it was almost inaudible. Erin got back into bed and her arms.

“Jillian?”

“Mmmm?”

"…I think I love you."

"You _think_ you love me?"

Holtzmann was wide awake now.

***

Her new lover casually brushed her fingers over the Screw U-pendant around Erin's neck as she walked past. The morning after their first time, an unusually serious Jillian Holtzmann had put it there. Her face had looked young and unguarded when she looked up at her, like she wasn't sure what to expect. For the first time, it occurred to Erin that there was an age difference between them. It was easy to forget that she had 10 years of experience up on Holtz because of her easy confidence. Holtzmann couldn't have made her intentions clearer if she had gotten down on one knee with a ring in her hand. She was all in. Erin kissed her softly. She'd never had a way with words when it came to romance and she wanted to be sure Jillian heard her loud and clear.

She looked back from her work station and winked. Erin reverted to another state than flesh and blood, knees weak and cheeks burning. She walked over and put her arms around her waist and her chin on her shoulder, to see what she was working on. Holtzmann turned her head and brushed her lips against the spot just under her ear: the place that never failed to make Erin's breath catch. She couldn't believe how in love she was with Jillian Holtzmann. With all of the Jillian Holtzmanns.

"They're so darn cute."

"Yup."

Abby and Patty smiled at each other as they looked at them, obliviously tinkering with something at the engineer's workstation.

"It’s going to be really annoying to live with."

Patty nodded.

"Yup." 

"Man, they’re cute, though."

"It's a beautiful thing when two weirdos find each other," Patty said solemnly.

"I'm thinking that Holtz is actually aware of the embarrassing hickey on her neck and simply doesn't care. But should we tell Erin about that huge lipstick stain she just got?"

"Girl, you KNOW we're going to let her walk around like that."

They fist bumped silently and kept watching their fellow ghostbusters like proud parents.

***

Later that night, Erin found Holtzmann alone on the roof looking up at the sky. Erin walked straight into her arms, like she should have done the first time they went stargazing.

She pushed her protective goggles off and looked at her.

"I love you."

The sky above Erin cracked open. She closed her eyes and let the stars brush her shoulders lightly on the way down, as they fell.     


End file.
